In celebration of my twenty-nine and a half birthday (yes this is just like when you’re a kid and you tell everyone you’re nine and a half), I have decided to dissect the secret life of kitten diving. Before you get excited about chubby cats in scuba gear, I’m going to kindly clarify that I’m talking about cunnilingus, and by cunnilingus I mean the bizarre insane capability of making a girl cum in your mouth.
tart: I just get so frustrated.
I guess I don’t really even know what to tell him to do,
like I’ve never ate pussy, so I don’t know what to say.
nattyhotcakes: That’s my biggest problem.
He’s like “Am I doing this right? What can I do different?”
and I’m like, IDK?
And it’s not like you learn anything from porn.
They teach you nothing in porn.
They just stick their whole face in,
which I don’t like at all.
All I ever say is “act like we’re making out, but with my pussy” but meh.
Maybe it’s more clitoris action then I think.
So, then I ask my other friend bettyhotcakes for her opinion.
nattyhotcakes: Have you ever had a guy properly eat you out?
bettyhotcakes: I’ve never finished. It’s always been foreplay that leads to what I like best – sex. I’ve had a few guys be good at it — one came at me from behind and that was shocking and different. Otherwise, it’s a good time when you can tell they’re straight and they’re turned on — like full on box munching. The timid licks do nothing for me or my confirmation of his sexuality.
And after going back and forth with my dear tart and bettyhotcakes, I had to go ask the only professional I know, mr. right now. We met about a year and a half ago at a little infamous Castro brunch/club called Lime, and from that point forward we’ve shared stories of our fun and exciting dating adventures (there is sarcasm here, by the way). This guy is the ultimate opportunist who has managed to tongue his way through pussies without ever becoming monogamous. Thirty some odd years of straight up dick freedom has earned this dude a few badges in the bedroom via kitten dive, so I digress to text for some insight.
nattyhotcakes: I’m writing a blog about pussy eating.
We can’t figure it out.
What exactly are you doing to make a girl cum?
It’s not that porn tongue flicking nonsense, is it?
mr. right now: Nawwwww, honestly it’s all about girl.
I use the first time to observe then by the second time I’m good to go.
Some women cum from Pitbull style (sloppy and aggressive),
some enjoy a lot of pressure, others a lot less…
It just depends on who she is so I don’t have just one move to make them.
It’s a series of events.
And no hands; I think that’s cheating and I only do it if it’s requested.
nattyhotcakes: Ugh, just as I had suspected,
pussy eating remains a mystery.
But are you focusing on the clit?
Or do you take a tour with your mouth?
Can you convince the next girl to allow filming for educational purposes?
mr. right now: I stay in the general area around the clit,
just above it, and around the top of the lips.
Honestly it’s not a big mystery. It’s pretty simple.
If you break it down, there’s two types of women:
those that can have an orgasm orally or those that can’t/won’t.
And if you pay attention to their reactions while performing the act
there shouldn’t be a problem at all.
Example, If she’s reading her Kindle while you’re in-between
then you’re fucking up, try something else.
If she’s crushing your head with her legs then ding ding ding!
You’re doing something right.
nattyhotcakes: What? There aren’t simple directions?
mr. right now: I can tell you exactly what not to do
but as far as what to do to achieve “greatness”
it varies from woman to woman.
nattyhotcakes: I think a lot of the problems start when guys
aren’t willing to just explore. I mean, this is the time to travel like
Christopher Columbus and sail the ocean blue!
He certainly didn’t get to take India by spelling out the alphabet.
mr. right now: FYI, b is the best letter.
nattyhotcakes: Lowercase pr uppercase b?
mr. right now: Lowercase b then go back over it in reverse.
…Is that all it takes?
Some b’s and figuring out what pressure/speed
that’s going to push me over the edge?
tart: Huh, I need more than just b’s!
At this point I’m starting to think it’s a little unfair. I mean, sucking dick is pretty easy to map out. It’s obviously way more successfully done than muffy fucking. As bettyhotcakes said, “Put dick in mouth, don’t use your teeth and try not to gag. Dicks go in holes. Girls are complicated. Things go in, around, on, flick, lick, rub.” So when you can’t get enough specific information from a straight dude, what does a girl do? Resort to cruising through lesbian advice online! The best of the best of muffy fucking experts have got to be in the lesbian community. You got one, you eat one, TADA! So here’s what the lesbians say:
An excerpt from Lesbian Lovers: The Art of Cunnilingus
Every gay woman knows, the vagina is a complicate instrument that is attached to our brains and unlike our male counterparts, who merely have to graze it against a tree and they get a hard on. Well for us ladies it takes a little bit of warming up; it’s all about teasing, and taking it slowly. All vaginas differ in shape, taste, smell, and feeling. Every woman needs to be learned and understood as an individual; understanding that the same trick may not work on all women.
When doing cunnilingus, you don’t only use your mouth and tongue, but your ears to listen to her and your hands to feel her. Stay in tune with your lover, don’t just focus on making her cum it should be fun and you should enjoy being there watching her while you play with her body and excite her. It’s not a race and you don’t get a prize for how fast you make her climax, but rest assured you will get one for how hard.
You want to start by kissing her entire body and slowly moving south, maybe even gently breathing on top of her vagina to feel you hot breath but never touch her. Don’t go straight for her love button aka “clitoris,” it can be painful and without a proper welcoming party she might not be interested to play.
It’s good to spend time around her thighs licking and kissing her sensitive skin, just gently brushing your lips (mouth) against hers (vagina). You want to keep her surprised and be adventurous, touch her with your fingers never penetrating just rubbing softly then quickly. You should always keep your eye on how she’s reacting, and listening to every moan and word she says.
Then when you see the colors of her body change to darker reds and she is throbbing in excitement you can start playing with her clitoris. You can use your lips to suck on her clitoris, and your tongue to penetrate her and reach in and lick inside. Always listening to what she likes and keep going.
Remember a climax is a build up so you don’t want to go hot and cold on her; otherwise, she will lose and move back down to base camp (she will not be happy about this!) so keep going watching her and making sure your on target. Here is a clue, if she’s telling you that she likes it then that means don’t stop!
Also, while you’re down there don’t forget there are other parts to her body that need attention. Now is a really good time for breast play or if you’re a little more in adventurous mood there is always anal (stick your pinky in her anus while you go down on her.) There also your fingers that can go inside her and then you can feel her contraction and how close she is to cuming. There is your nose that you can rub up against her vagina, what some might call “a down under Eskimo kiss.”
Whatever you decide to do it’s meant to be fun not a chore, so talk to each other before. Be honest about what you like and want. Remember, no one is a mind reader and it’s a lot more enjoyable when both of you are confident because you both have given each other permission to discover your bodies.
So here’s recap:
1. Tease, tease, tease. Play with her body before you go for the direct stimulation.
2. Lick, kiss and nibble her stomach, thighs, and outer labia.
3. Use your entire face to play with her vagina, your nose, lips, teeth, chin, tongue and you can even use longer hair to tickle her gently.
4. Circle around her clitoris and vagina using different pressures and speeds.
5. Penetrate her vagina with your tongue.
6. Breathe and blow warm air above her vagina but never directly inside especially if she is pregnant (a cause of air embolism).
7. Flick you tongue quickly over her clitoris.
8. Make your tongue big and flat and rub it all over her vagina.
9. Nibble and bite, but only if she’s given you an okay otherwise you might get a smack on the head.
10. Touch her while you go down on her, use breast play or penetrate her with your finger either vaginally or anally, matching the rhythm of your tongue.
11. Always listen to your partner. Watch her, and how she moves.
12. Have fun and don’t forget the only way you know if you’re doing it right is to ask (but not a hundred time just enough that she is screaming yes!)
…Lesbians to the rescue? Okay, kids, homework time:
A) Experiment with the above list.
Although.. wait, longer hair to tickle her? Err…
B) Read “The Straight Girl’s Guide to Sleeping with Chicks” by Jen Sincero.